Really, I don't know if I'm more upset by the fact that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, or upset by the fact that I do want to be one. Which I didn't want, until I met him. And I convinced myself, the way that we do, that having some was better than having none. And then everything went from bad to mexican.

It's fair to say that I don't date so much as I take hostages. And it's been a weird year. The Imaginary Boyfriend followed by the Boyfriend who isn't my Boyfriend except that he totally acts like my Boyfriend. For the sake of efficiency, let's just call him Not The Boyfriend. NTB.

NTB is pretty great guy, if you're in to guys who are smart, funny, successful, adventurous and cuddly. Not really my thing, you know. Though he got my attention by not calling me, sleeping with lots of other women and lying. Hey, nobody's perfect. Look at me! I just happen to really like emotionally unvailable men. Does that make me a bad person?

So here's where the growth part rears its' ugly head. Maybe, just maybe, I'm ready for a real connection with someone who's ready for a real connection. And perhaps that sort of connection takes work. Maybe it isn't the plug and play Big Budget Hollywood Romance type of love that I've waited to strike me like lightening. Maybe it involves putting yourself out there, getting to know someone, getting to trust someone, and then getting in to bed with someone? Perish the thought, what a great deal of work that would be. I really do like to do it in the reverse order. Even when enjoying my time with NTB, I always had this nagging pang at the back of my heart telling me to be on guard always. Which is a shitty way to live your life. I'm so tired of protecting my ego and my heart. I don't want to be with someone where I have to wonder if saying "I miss you" violates the terms of our pretend relationship. I don't want to be in pretend relationships.

Now, I don't know about you, but I only change when things hurt. And they have to be pretty uncomfortable before I start considering it, and downright level five shitstorm before I'll do anything about it. And even still, I'll sit in it for a while pulling the good that I can from it while fighting off the wolves. But the wolves come. Oh, the wolves come.