It's been a while. Life is good. Different, but good. I'm in a new city. I've been here a while now, and I like it here. I changed my dry date this year to reflect my usage of other drugs, which puts me at ten months yesterday. Changing your dry date is a weird experience. You get all of the "tsk tsk, she relapsed" looks without any of the actual relapse. It's very humbling. Much of it is in my head, I know. And I'm glad that I have given up everything that alters my state of being, given up everything that closes me off from the sunshine of the spirit. Even though I didn't particularly feel like I had a problem with anything else. I can keep a gram of weed in my drawer for six months. I used a couple valium here and there, a couple of Lorazepam here and there and a few ritalin here and there, and never thought anything of it...until my new sponsor asked me to tell her my story, and I immediately thought about what I WASN'T going to tell her. So I told her that first, and voila! New dry date.

I did a crazy five with the pastor of my church before I got baptised in April. It was ridiculously difficult and very liberating. I had been carrying around a lot of everything for a lot of years. I've been in AA since what, 2004? And holding on to all that shit that I was going to take with me. If you haven't done your four and five - and a good one - I suggest, strongly, that you get on with it. If I had known how it would change everything, I would have done it so much sooner.

Life's good. I'm going to college. I've got a new career in an industry I'd never have expected I'd love. I'm not obsessively exercising as much, I'm not obsessively eating as much, and I'm not sleeping with everything that moves as much. Progress. As I've heard it said in the rooms so many times...I've got four garbage cans and only three lids.

I'm not feeling all that eloquent tonight, but I felt like reaching out and touching base. How is everyone? Let me know. I have some time to troll through your blogs tonight...so here's wishing everyone a good 24.

Sometimes I need to come back here to remember how bad it was, how bad I was, how broken I was at the beginning. Progress, not perfection.

Really, it's been almost a year since I've posted here - I do maintain another blog these days, by the by. So I post. Just not...here. I haven't shared this url with anyone in a long time. I find it hard to read the old still active posts - but I'm not going to delete them - it reminds me of where I came from, and how far I've come. Especially helpful on days where I feel like I'm right back at the beginning. That isn't today, incidentally. Today I'm good.

So. What's new? I hit three years sober in November, and I moved to a new city shortly thereafter. It's a bit of a culture shock - considerably colder, considerably smaller. But I'm enjoying it immensely.

My last few posts had me smack-dab in the middle of yet another heartbreak-to-be, didn't they? Right after that post, maybe days after, I stopped dating entirely. I got a new sponsor, and I really believe that working with her saved my life. I was absolutely miserable around that time, probably more miserable than I had been even in very early sobriety. And I wasn't able to talk about it.

A sad thing, at that time, a friend of mine was also struggling, with more time than me in - and he chose to go out. Watching him come back was painful and awful He's back now, thank God - but it took him over six months!!!

Anyhow, fast forward to now, happy, healthy, sober. I wish everyone the best in 2009. If you're miserable - you don't have to be. There are miracles here. Come get yours.

Even today, when one of my roommates has left a re-corked bottle of the wine in the refrigerator, I look at it and think "What's wrong with him? What kind of moron saves that little amount of wine?"

It's moments like that when I have to remind myself that I am an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. I can't leave a glass of wine for tomorrow. I have to drink the whole bottle, another bottle, your bottle, and then I'll call my dealer and pick up some coke, go and find myself some lower companions, run out of money and whore myself to keep the party going. That's what I did. That's who I was. That's who I AM if I take a drink. I need to remember that.

So what kind of moron leaves that much wine? The kind who can. God bless him.

Most days I don't even notice the 3/4 full bottle of wine in the fridge. It's just not my thing anymore. I notice when the milk is getting low. I notice if there aren't the kind of apples my daughter likes, or enough of the the kind of cheese she likes since that's all she really likes to snack on.

I'm moderately to very crazy these days. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And it NEVER occurs to me to drink. The obsession was lifted, just like they said it would be. I will do more to show how grateful I am for the life I have today.

Really, I don't know if I'm more upset by the fact that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, or upset by the fact that I do want to be one. Which I didn't want, until I met him. And I convinced myself, the way that we do, that having some was better than having none. And then everything went from bad to mexican.

It's fair to say that I don't date so much as I take hostages. And it's been a weird year. The Imaginary Boyfriend followed by the Boyfriend who isn't my Boyfriend except that he totally acts like my Boyfriend. For the sake of efficiency, let's just call him Not The Boyfriend. NTB.

NTB is pretty great guy, if you're in to guys who are smart, funny, successful, adventurous and cuddly. Not really my thing, you know. Though he got my attention by not calling me, sleeping with lots of other women and lying. Hey, nobody's perfect. Look at me! I just happen to really like emotionally unvailable men. Does that make me a bad person?

So here's where the growth part rears its' ugly head. Maybe, just maybe, I'm ready for a real connection with someone who's ready for a real connection. And perhaps that sort of connection takes work. Maybe it isn't the plug and play Big Budget Hollywood Romance type of love that I've waited to strike me like lightening. Maybe it involves putting yourself out there, getting to know someone, getting to trust someone, and then getting in to bed with someone? Perish the thought, what a great deal of work that would be. I really do like to do it in the reverse order. Even when enjoying my time with NTB, I always had this nagging pang at the back of my heart telling me to be on guard always. Which is a shitty way to live your life. I'm so tired of protecting my ego and my heart. I don't want to be with someone where I have to wonder if saying "I miss you" violates the terms of our pretend relationship. I don't want to be in pretend relationships.

Now, I don't know about you, but I only change when things hurt. And they have to be pretty uncomfortable before I start considering it, and downright level five shitstorm before I'll do anything about it. And even still, I'll sit in it for a while pulling the good that I can from it while fighting off the wolves. But the wolves come. Oh, the wolves come.

There are some moments in some days where I can say to myself: "This, here, right now, this is the best it's ever been. If it never gets any better than this, I'm okay with that."

I had one of those moments in New York this week, sitting in the window of a French bistro eating pain au chocolat and drinking french press coffee while reading a Booker prize-winning novel. I was enjoying my last few hours in Manhattan before heading back to Toronto. Don't get me wrong - New York is always always always good. But there I was in New York, brand new tattoo on my thigh, shopping bags full of Christmas presents for my 7-year-old, comfortable enjoying the silence of an empty cafe.

Back when I was using, Christmas presents would have been purchased with the last paycheque closest to Christmas, in a hurried rush... and I would have been sleeping off a hangover, not enjoying a lovely breakfast. I wouldn't have had the money to get a tattoo, never mind a tattoo from a famous artist. I wouldn't have been happy sitting alone anywhere, I would have been at a bar looking for "company", not at a bistro reading a book.

I keep saying this - it's not about the money. I was just as happy having a cup of tea at a friends house last year when I was so broke I had to walk to work most days. It's about a spiritual shift, the ability to be at peace with myself, the joy that comes from simple pleasures. It's nice to have a 30 dollar breakfast. It's better to be present in that brilliant moment.

This year I was blessed with the financial means to travel. Next year may be different - but that's next year. Since I don't have a crystal ball, I'll just have to enjoy today and not worry too much about what might happen next.

Working with newcomers is amazing. Really. I wish I had known before what a privilege it was. I mean, I knew, but I didn't know. If you're struggling? Go be of service. I'm taking a sponsee through the Big Book right now, and it may not be helping her (though I pray it is) but it's sure as hell helping me.